Carolyn Hax: Her freewheeling lifestyle puts me in a bad place - The Mercury News

DEAR CAROLYN: How do I learn not to be resentful when someone continually puts me in a bad spot?

My mother’s life philosophy is, “I’m going to do what I want, when I want. That’s the only way to live life.” She has no regard for consequences or the position she puts others in. She was unstable when I was a kid because of this. We were often homeless or crashing with her friends.

Now that I’m in my 30s, it bothers me in new ways. She spends ALL her money and then doesn’t have enough for medication, food, living. I’m afraid she’s going to have to live with me. She has a medical condition, but eats exactly what she shouldn’t eat and then ends up in the emergency room. I have to go take care of it. I can’t just keep taking off work!

I have no sympathy anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but 90% of her plights are of her own doing. Yet she has no one else.

I’ve cut down what I do for her to the minimum, to make sure her needs are met. But I’m still so resentful she does this to me! She thinks she’s just living her life while I think we should all try our hardest to not be burdens on others.

Resentful

DEAR RESENTFUL: Oh my.

Deciding “I’m going to do what I want” when it exposes one’s children to homelessness is not a philosophy; it’s neglect and/or abuse.

And feeling responsible for your mother when she was/is so careless with you? That, again, isn’t about philosophy or workday logistics. That’s the enduring emotional legacy of her neglect.

Please stop carrying this all by yourself. Get help from a good therapist trained to navigate complex family systems.

Ask yourself, too: What would she have to do if you lived overseas/had your own crisis/hadn’t been born? The fallacy of indispensability snares a lot of us, not just the ones with tough parental legacies like yours.

See it for what it is and release it.

I’m not saying to cut Mom off — though you may decide to eventually, after weighing your options — but instead to see that anything you feel forced to do is fertile soil for resentment.

You do have choices, your mom isn’t forcing you, and no one is a burden whom you don’t allow to be so.

She’s presenting you with unappealing choices, yes — but they’re still choices. Please start making them from a position of action versus reaction, with or without the professional help.

DEAR CAROLYN:

To: Resentful

Please do try to get some actual physical distance from her so she can’t guilt trip you into behaving as she wants.

My father was like this, so I moved out at 17 and never lived within 1,000 miles of him after that. It really helps. I can still do some things from afar, but I’m not on the same emotional cycle as my sibling.

And the more we’ve cut him off, the more he’s figured things out on his own.

The consequences of his self-sabotage are not my fault, and, quite frankly, I could never save him from himself. Save yourself. Boundaries are really a matter of survival.

Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Bravely done. Thank you.

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com. (c) 2019, Washington Post Writers Group