'If you know your party's extension ...' - Lifestyle - Columbus CEO

It’s a constant battle between technology and paper. Or technology and humans.

It doesn’t make any difference what business you want to call these days, you almost always get an automated voice and a lot of choices about why you are calling. Many times none of the choices match my problem. I always feel like I’m talking to myself as I say loudly "I just want to talk to a HUMAN BEING!"

Sometimes it works. And the autobot will politely say "Did I hear you say you wanted to speak to a representative?"

Autobots never get frustrated and yell. That is a good thing.

Try calling the doctor some time. The recorded message always says their menu of choices has changed and to listen carefully. Or if you know your party’s extension, dial it now. Or worse yet — finally they say "If this is an emergency hang up and call 911".

In the old days you got a friendly voice on the line that could soon sort things out and you could get an appointment with no problems.

Then there is our bank. They are just so insistent that everyone does their banking online. It’s like you are bothering them if you actually come into the bank for anything other than a big loan or investment.

I tell them when I go in to cash an old-fashioned check they are all soon going to lose their jobs because of that. (Since we don’t have smartphones we can’t just take a picture of our checks the way the modern generation does it.)

So far we have managed to avoid opening an online account. Instead we go in to the bank and let an associate order checks for us. Yes, since we don’t pay our bills online we still use paper checks.

I must have made enough of a scene the last time I banked that the teller did not ask for ID or to swipe my credit card before she cashed a check and gave me "real money" for the coins I had rolled and taken in. That is some progress.

And then there is the stigma of using paper maps instead of a GPS. The woman I work with at our thrift store told me her daughter was embarrassed when she pulled out a paper map and tried to help her get to a destination in Myrtle Beach on a recent vacation.

I don’t think young people today even know how to read a map and most of them don’t own one. Even when we use our GPS, which is rare, I still have a road map handy just in case "Rosie" gets us off course — which has happened on several occasions.

I just like to read road maps. Instead of having tunnel vision about where you are and where you are going, you can see what is in the surrounding area. That way you are more familiar with names of towns in the vicinity where you are traveling.

And speaking of using paper, I ordered a pair of shoes from a catalog two weeks ago. They still have not arrived. I know they are punishing me for not calling or ordering online with a credit card.

I have tried that method. The problem with one particular catalog is the human always tries to talk me into buying more things than I intended. But at least it is a human so I shouldn’t complain.